This is Day 11 since I started the blog, and I am now attempting to finish my third post. As expected, the practice of building self-discipline to write (nearly) everyday has been difficult. I have thought out posts in my head that I have yet to transcribe on paper. I have doubted myself and my ideas. I have postponed writing time until later. I’ve looked for inspiration, and found some, but not the time to record it.
I spend most of my time being a mother. From the time my baby girl wakes, in the 6 o’clock hour, sometimes earlier, until my son’s bedtime near 8 o’clock, I have just one to two hours to call my own, and that’s only on days that naptime goes well. And it’s challenging to pack creativity into baby’s nap time. Downtime or to-do lists frequently come first.
At 37, I think I am not that accomplished professionally or creatively, a truth that stings me at times. I used to be a world-traveler, a graduate student, a young professional starting a career. Then, all of that movement and transformation got funneled into motherhood.
I live a mostly quiet, routine life. I thoroughly enjoy my kids, and I thoroughly enjoy when they are sleeping.
And my days continue to whisk themselves away, as though they are leaves on a mighty tree, plentiful but finite in number.
My past life (before kids) sometimes seems like an unfinished novel, with page marked, lying under some papers on a shelf or table. I keep meaning to pick it up and finish the story, but when I try to someone always calls my name, or drops something all over the floor, or wakes up crying. Most days I feel too spent to spend time engaging in anything but total relaxation after their bedtime.
But, still, time passes. There are fewer leaves left on my tree, and a shorter number of experiences left to call my own.
I read today that Virginia Woolf kept a regular diary for 26 years. I admire that discipline. So, I too am going to continue to write as frequently as I can, to try to navigate myself closer to my personal goals.
And when motherhood calls, I’ll answer readily because I know that the days when my children need my constant attention will be over soon enough, and I don’t want to miss any of it.